Are you a Victim or a Martyr

Many times in relationships we see ourselves as a victim. Our needs are not being met. Our desires are not being met. Or our wants are not being met. It seems then we begin to focus on what we are doing for others, but we feel we are not getting anything in return. We talk to our partners about this, but most likely it turns into an argument. We approach issues defensively because we are hurt and angry. We feel rejected. We decide that the other person is at fault and the other person must not care about us or our feelings.

How often do people fall into this trap? This thinking is very common, and it is very damaging to a relationship. The damage breeds more damage when people try to talk about their needs in a defensive manner. As long as a person views themselves as a victim, that person will view all aspects of the relationship with a defensive mindset. This mindset will create more disconnection. And the disconnection is likely to create behaviors that will cause more damage to the relationship. The cycle continues and continues. Unfortunately, many people do not stop this cycle until it is too late. No relationship is invincible. Each time the relationship takes on damage, the relationship foundation is weakened. And eventually, too much damage will have occurred. It will be too much to over come. And the relationship will fall to complete ruins.

However, the deep seeded needs that set all of this into motion is a normal human need. The need to feel connected. The need to feel desired. The need to feel secure. The need to feel loved and accepted. The problem begins with the lack of ability to communicate these needs as well as the lack of ability for the couple to work together to meet eachothers needs. The problem persists with the victim mindset.

The victim will always maintain the mindset the he or she is mistreated. The victim will always maintain the mindset that he or she is doing all of the giving. The victim will maintain the mindset that the other person is not doing his or her part to nurture the relationship.

This can be even more complicated when a person has a history of broken relationships. Broken relationships are present for all of us. Perfection does not exist. We have all had relationships either family, friends, church, co workers, or intimate relationships where we have been betrayed and hurt. And then, to self sooth, we implement self compassion, which helps us to find strength within the hurt. Many times, this will create a martyr mindset.

The martyr mindset is when a person is convinced that he or she is a survivor from a past relationship, which was broken. The martyr mindset enhances the sacrifices the person perceived he or she made for the relationship. And it enhances the suffering the person perceives he or she endured for the good of the relationship. This comes together to form the "what I learned so now I am wiser" characteristic. This will enhance the "I am better than most and deserve praise for my sacrifice and suffering" mentality.

In new relationships, the victim/martyr will believe that he or she learned from the past and now is strong enough to protect themselves. The victim/martyr will over analyze the new partner and try to fix the new partner based on the "Im wiser" mentality. The new partner will often times resist this and the two will become oppostional towards each other. The victim/martyr will typically increase defensiveness and disconnect. At this time, the victim/martyr has cycled back to the mindset that he or she is making all of the sacrifices and the partner is not. The victim/martyr will then entertain the idea of leaving under the confusion that leaving will protect them from yet another predator. However, the problem is not with the partner, the problem is within the victim/martyr mindset. So this would occur no matter who this person chooses for a partner.

Interestingly, within all of the complicated mindsets and interactions that go on between all couples. The answer is simple.

First - Choose to love and forgive. Stop believing the lie that you have to protect yourself. Life hurts. This will happen. You can not truly protect yourself from being disappointed, hurt, or offended. Love is a strong medicine for healing.

Second - Effectively communicate your needs and work together to ensure that each person's needs are met. Most often you will repair the relationship, connect, become stronger, and develop a new joyous love for each other.

Third - Continue to learn how to nurture your relationship, nurture your needs, nurture your partners needs.

Finally - When bad days occur, bad choices are mad, or negative life events occur. Repeat step one through three.

If you would like more information on how to incorporate these simple steps into your relationship, please allow the staff at Tranquility Counseling Services to help.

Consider attending our "Marriage Enhancement" workshop scheduled for August 25, 2018. These concepts will be discussed in more depth. You will not be disappointed.

https://www.tranquilitycounselingserv.com/MarriageCouples.en.html