Diagnosis: Loneliness
Lately, in my personal life, I have been blessed to attend both weddings and anniversary parties. A chance to see new beginnings, as well as celebrating fifty years of oneness. During the planning and implementation of these events, I witnessed many people from various cultures, generations, and lifestyles express their opinions regarding relationships. These people expressed thoughts and feelings ranging from the worst to the best.
Many people in this world who have been married most of their lives are content and happy with their spouse. However, many people in this world who have been married for many years remained married because they felt they did not have a choice. But these people are not happy. They display obvious bitterness toward each other and contempt toward the very idea of marriage. So why? What went wrong in these marriages? Why do some marriages result in a happy fifty years, and others result in a miserable fifty years?
As I pondered this question, I realized one common factor existed between all happy marriages. I reflected upon my own happy marriage and found this one common factor to be present. And then I found one common factor existed between all miserable marriages. And as I reflected upon my own marriage I realized this factor was not present.
So, what was that one factor? For happy marriages the common factor was connection. For miserable marriages the common factor was loneliness.
I once read a book, but I cannot remember the title or author because it was many years ago during my graduate program. The one thing that does remain stuck in my memory about this book is that the book discussed loneliness. Loneliness should be a diagnosis. Loneliness is typically found at the root of all unhappiness. Loneliness creates stress and symptoms of depression or anxiety. When a person is feeling alone, especially within a marriage, it is heartbreaking. The person will adapt but the sadness and hurt will typically develop anger and bitterness. The person may become guarded and stop trying to connect with the spouse. This is a dangerous place. When a couple is disconnected and feeling alone, marital problems will accumulate. Unfortunately, the unhappy couple may not seek help to find their connection again.
Tips for the newly weds in this world who are just starting out:
Always nurture your partner. Nurture your spouse’s dreams, beliefs, and desires.
Know your spouse’s needs. We all have deep psychological needs. This is much more complicated than the five love languages (though that is important as well). Your psychological needs and your spouse’s psychological needs have been developed through life experience. These needs may vary, but everyone needs to feel special. Everyone needs to feel secure.
Never side against your spouse. Even if you disagree with your spouse, your job is not to correct your spouse. Your job is to accept and support your spouse. This can be difficult when issues regarding in laws or career choices arise. But remember, you vowed to always put your spouse first. Your spouse needs to feel protected, not betrayed.
Do not enable your spouse. Your job is to support, not to enable. Know the difference. Allow your spouse to grow.
Most importantly communicate! Communicate about everything! And make sure you are communicating effectively. This means that you are not defensive or critical. Effective communication means you are truly interested in your spouse’s point of view. And you are sincerely working for a common goal. That goal should always be putting the good of the marriage above your own selfish flaws.
Selfishness equals aloneness. Aloneness equals loneliness. And negative breeds negative.
Tips for those who have been married for a while:
It is ok to start from scratch. Ask your spouse for a redo. This is a chance to heal from the past while making positive change in the present. The goal is a more connected future.
See tips for newly weds and implement into your marriage.
If you are stuck, then ask for help. There are many therapists who offer couple’s counseling services. And most of them are actually skilled at helping couples reconnect within their marriage.
You may also want to consider a marriage workshop. Workshops are designed to provide education as well as to provide you effective tools to achieve a happy marriage. Please see more about the workshops offered through Tranquility Counseling Services on our main webpage tranquilitycounselingserv.com
