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Poison To Your Relationships

Defensiveness is typically defined as the act of protecting. Defensiveness can also provoke anxiousness intended to challenge a perceived criticism. The focus is on the perceived criticism. Many occasions occur where a person becomes defensive without rational cause. Actually, it is highly likely that the majority of the time defensiveness occurs without rational cause.

Defensiveness occurs when a perceived threat is interpreted by the brain. This can be provoked by a lack of communication or a simple misunderstanding. This can happen when one does not understand another’s culture. This can also occur when people choose to treat assumptions as factual conclusions. However, it is also highly likely to occur when people are interpreting a present situation based on past experiences.

The brain can only pull from information that it has stored. For example, a person would logically conclude that a sashaquazi is an airplane if the person hears the statement, “the pilot flew the sashaquzi today.” If challenged, the person may also settle for a second logical conclusion that the sashaquazi is a kite, or a remote control toy, or even an item in a video game. But the reality is, a sashaquazi is a make believe word that means absolutely nothing. In this example, the brain pulled from information from the context of the sentence to draw a conclusion. People do this thousands of times each day. However, in reality, they are only making assumptions, not drawing factual conclusions.

So why do people feel threatened and become defensive? The brain interprets and stores information daily. Experts believe that a minimum of 50,000 thoughts each day enters our mind. It is also believed that approximately seventy percent of that fifty thousand thoughts are negative. Therefore, the breeding ground for defensiveness is nurtured thirty-five thousand times each day. Every thought comes from learned information. Learned information is all of the beliefs and knowledge that is stored based on every experience of your life. Everything you were taught effects your thoughts. Every good experience as well as every bad experience has lead your brain to make conclusions about life. The brain is constantly pulling from this information and therefore, drawing conclusions without considering new information. A person will assume they must protect themselves from emotional hurt, uncomfortable confrontation, or to control a situation.

What we know about defensiveness. It is poison to any relationship. If you are defensive, you can not be open minded to understanding another person. If you are defensive, you are less likely to have empathy or compassion. You are less likely to choose love and forgiveness. You are much more likely to allow anger, bitterness, and contempt to dictate your thoughts and choices. If you would like to stop poisoning your relationships, it is imperative to identify your defense mechanisms and increase your awareness. With increased awareness you can separate the past and live in the present. You are less likely to poison your relationships, which means you will increase happiness and life satisfaction.

Dr. Shannon Barnes, LPC

Tranquilitycounselingserv.com


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